Denny's: So, Is It *Really* Closing? Or Just Another Corporate Shell Game?

Denny's Descent: From 24/7 Savior to Food Fight Casualty

Alright, let's get one thing straight: Denny's ain't exactly been a culinary beacon lately. More like a late-night greasy spoon clinging to life support. And now, I'm reading about food fights and private equity buyouts? Give me a break.

The Steak Heard 'Round the World

So, some geniuses decided to chuck a steak at Denny's employees because their Uber Eats order was messed up? Seriously? A steak? What is this, a cartoon? I picture the scene: fluorescent lights, sticky tables, and some entitled jagoff launching a perfectly good (or maybe not-so-good, it's Denny's) piece of meat across the room. I mean, I’ve been hangry before, but never that hangry. According to the Angry customers throw steak and other food at Denny’s employees: Highland Heights Police Blotter, this incident actually happened.

What kind of society are we living in where people think this is acceptable behavior? And more importantly, what were they even expecting from a 4:15 AM Denny's order? Gourmet perfection?

I'm not even sure what the real issue was because the article doesn't specify. Maybe they ordered a Grand Slam and got a Sad Trombone instead. Who knows? It also doesn’t say if this Denny's location is one of the ones still open 24/7...or if it even matters anymore.

The Private Equity Sharks Circle

And then there’s the news about Denny’s being taken private. TriArtisan Capital Advisors? Yadav Enterprises? Sounds like a law firm merged with a tech startup. They swooped in with a $322 million deal. Before Tuesday, the stock had lost about a third of its value this year. Shares jumped 50% in early trading Tuesday. A 50% jump?! Denny’s is being taken private in an attempt to revitalize the brand.

The "official" reason? Denny's CEO Kelli Valade said this transaction “maximizes value and has determined it is fair to and in the best interests of stockholders and represents the best path forward for the company.” Translation: "We're sinking, and this is the only lifeboat we could find."

Let's be real, Denny's has been struggling. They're blaming the pandemic, changing consumer tastes, and competition from places like First Watch. But I suspect it's more than that. It's the whole Denny’s experience—or lack thereof. Who wants to eat soggy pancakes at 3 AM anymore when you can get artisanal avocado toast delivered to your door? Okay, maybe I still want soggy pancakes at 3 AM sometimes...

Oh, and they closed 180 locations over the last two years? That’s a lot of booths gathering dust. They're trying to remodel and revamp the menu. But can you really polish a turd? I mean, can you turn a Denny's into a destination dining experience? I'm not convinced.

Pizza Hut's on the Chopping Block Too?

And because misery loves company, apparently Pizza Hut is also on the ropes. Yum! Brands is considering selling them off. "Strategic options," they're calling it. Which is corporate-speak for "we're desperate."

Pizza Hut, Denny's... what's next? Is IHOP gonna start serving caviar to stay relevant? Are these American institutions just doomed to fade away?

So, What's the Real Story?

Look, I'm not saying Denny's is solely to blame. The world is changing. People want different things. But maybe, just maybe, if they focused less on corporate buzzwords and more on, you know, not having their employees assaulted with steaks, they'd be in a better place. Then again, maybe I’m just romanticizing the past. Maybe the greasy spoon is a relic of a bygone era. But damn it, I miss those late-night Grand Slams.